u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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