What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Randomize
