The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
