Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
