my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
birth control should be required to get into college
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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