Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
