If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
