Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
