Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
