I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
