Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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