dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
