dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
