Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
