I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
