in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
