I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
