I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
