my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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