My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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