talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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