My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
