Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
