You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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