why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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