so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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