Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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