I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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