how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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