i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
