So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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