she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
