I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
