I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
