dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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