I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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