I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Randomize
