You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
And then he peed in my hair
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