So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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