...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
