your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
