Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
