it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Randomize
