There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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