its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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