someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
