There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
