I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
