I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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