all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
